Wednesday, February 3, 2010

#15 Wedding Announcements

Parents of small children often post their child’s art work, report cards, and papers on the fridge to show off what an amazing job the kid has done, prove to the world what great parents they are, and encourage continuation of good behavior. Usually this fridge-posting fades with time, and people keep grades and victories to themselves. At BYU this holds true for art work and good grades (er…sometimes), but there is one evidence of success that will never give up fridge real estate—wedding announcements.

When you live in your drab house or dingy apartment at BYU, you can expect your refrigerator to be plastered with wedding announcements. You are required to publicly display all wedding announcements you receive. “But I don’t know anyone at BYU, let alone anyone getting married at BYU,” you say. Don’t worry honey, you will.

Wedding announcements must be posted for all to admire for three important reasons:

First, BYU kids love to criticize each other (case in point—this blog). Wedding announcements are the perfect thing to tear apart. Awkward poses, eights marrying fives, temple marriages that shouldn’t be in the temple, clichĂ© font choice, overly-sensual photos, tacky registration information, diamonds that are too big, diamonds that are too small, and satisfaction that an ex is marrying someone less attractive than oneself all make attacking wedding announcements a tempting, juicy pastime.

Second, BYU people, well BYU girls, love to complain about not being married. They can use their single status to turn ANY conversation into a conversation about themselves and their singleness. Having an abundance of announcements on display makes this process even easier.

“Oh, I really like this announcement photo…”
“I don’t. I should have gotten married before her. I am way cuter.”

“Wow, you have a lot of wedding announcements up here.”
“Those are all my roommates. I would have gotten married last summer but I did a study abroad. Now I am the only single girl from David John.”

“Can I have some Pomegranate juice?”
“I have a dress picked and everything, I don’t know what the problem is!”

Third, just like the kid with a fantastic report card, these people have found success. They have reached life’s ultimate goal. They are now entering into a new, higher class of BYU kids. They are getting married. Their success should be celebrated and congratulated. They deserve fridge space.

So, the second you start receiving those off-white envelopes—before you start wondering if addresses should be printed or handwritten, even before you start gagging at the Papyrus font—stick it on your fridge and let everyone appreciate it in its greatness.


Trisha Kae said...

oh this one is so spot on. Our bulletin board is filled with random wedding announcements and we judge and compare them all. This blog is hilarious. my only suggestion is to post more often! What about a post on road trips to vegas, intermurals, frozen yogurt, or date night?

Britton said...

Your third girl example just made my day

Daniel said...

Oh man. Good zing on Papyrus. Can I be exempted for fulfilling #1 because of my current job? I critique all sorts of graphic design anyway, so, wedding invitations are just another piece of my critical nourishment. Oh, who am I kidding. My mission prez is the greatest anyway.